A Video: Eating Disorder Awareness

I love so many of this lady’s Youtube videos.  She (and, as you can see, others too) made this particular one for Eating Disorder Awareness week – i’m therefore a bit late, posting this now, but it’s always relevant and i hope you enjoy it!

http://www.youtube.com/user/lilmover?blend=7&ob=5#p/u/4/qnPjIyP6Ql8

Published in: on 24/04/2011 at 8:12 pm  Leave a Comment  

Tidy workplace, bombsite at home: i’m a mess

Aarghs!  Still haven’t finished my assignment.  Got another to get on with as soon as possible.  And i didn’t make it to the Zine Symposium – one of my favourite events in the whole world.  I miss out on so much because… well, i’m a stupid waster: my life’s a mess.

That’s how i feel anyway.  Although i must admit, it’s odd.  I’m always telling myself i’m worthless and no good, even though at the same time i know i don’t really think that way.

Anyway, today’s burning topic is: disorder.  No, not affray, but physical and mental chaos – in relation to each other.  A bit.

It’s surely very telling, something any half-decent psychologist would jump on as blindingly obvious, that while my work, my handwriting and all the outward, professional aspects of me are incredibly clear, small, neat and meticulous… somehow my bedroom, my hair, my clothes and my personal diary are a complete shit tip.

Even someone as (relatively) unscientific and (thoroughly) bonkers as i can tell that the latter is a reflection of my state of mind; of my life in fact.  I am a mess.  I’m under no illusions as to how much of a mess i am.  I’m a disgrace.  Bulimia alone shouts this fact from its lofty throne (‘scuse pun) even if you haven’t seen the chaos within which i exist.

They – by which i mean eating disorder specialists; i’m not going to spout some kind of “them and us” conspiracy theory – reckon a characteristic of eating disorder sufferers is perfectionism.  Let me assure you, this does not apply to me.  I’m a shoddy, slap-dash kind of a gal.  Just look at my hair, my clothes, the way i ‘play’ guitar in my shouty punk band.  I’d LIKE to be more organised, more dedicated, turn out a better standard of… well, everything; but as i’ve already explained, the eating disorder has always got in the way.

Bulimia consumes time as it consumes confectionery and earnings.  It chews up self-esteem and munches away at any hope of a brighter future.  It gulps down opportunity and pukes up any hope i’ve ever had of being any good at anything.  It devours me and so many others like me.

Even whilst anorexic, time was there to be endured, seen off, while i waited for my life to “begin”.  I’ve never wanted to wish my life away, yet i waste my time and my life in the midst of a filthy illness that makes no sense.  I don’t have the answers.  If i did, i wouldn’t be in this mess.

Published in: on 24/04/2011 at 4:31 pm  Comments (4)  

Procrastination

Hello!

I’ve deliberately been trying not to write another post, till after i’ve finished my assignment for university; but so far today i’ve had a nap, ate some sweets, read part of the Guardian, lost an argument about anarchism over breakfast, frittered away precious time on Facebook, eaten everything in the house, been to the shop to replace it, started cleaning the bathroom but ended up face-first in the kitchen cupboards chomping again, spent more hours on Facebook and checked my e-mails several times… so all that’s left now, really, is to come and complain about it here.

Collection Development – how hard can it be?  Well, if you’ve had a couple of months to write a report about a fictitious library collection yet have left it till three days before the deadline, pretty bloody hard.  I’m stupid and useless.  Don’t be stupid and useless like me!  Do it now!  Whatever you’re putting off – go!  Go and do your homework or tell your nearest and dearest you love them or have a bath or  scratch your bum or apply for that amazing job before the deadline passes!

In case you’re curious, well, yes, i’m studying for my MA in Library and Information Studies.  I am, however, too stupid to follow my own good advice so here i am, arsing about on a blog when i should be writing about preservation issues with electronic resources, the advantages and disadvantages of co-operation, key reference tools for my made-up library and drafting a collection management policy.

I also should have learnt a whole load of music for tomorrow (i’m also in an amazing choir which i love and don’t want them to hate me for being a waste of space) but… have i fuck.  Plus it looks like i’m going to have to miss this year’s London Zine Symposium and, even if i do make it for a short while, yet again i have no zine to distribute.  Too much to do, not enough hours in the day.  Aarghs!

If you’re now scratching your head, wondering what a zine is and why it gets its own symposium, have a butcher’s here for more information and resources:

http://www.londonzinesymposium.org.uk/

Anyway, yes, yes i know.  I know i’ve the same number of hours in the day as everyone else; and there are many others who get SO much done, it’s incredible.  I’ve nothing but admiration and respect for them.  And maybe just a tiny bit of envy.  But in a curious, what’s-your-secret way, not a horrible mean begrudging one.

Let’s face it though: i may not know what their secret is, but i certainly know what’s holding me back.  Frankly, i’d have far more time to do what i want and need to do, if i didn’t waste so much time eating rubbish and throwing it up.  Of course.  Sorry to be blunt, sorry to be disgusting, but there it is.  Bulimia is a massive waste of time.  And money.  Crap me, it’s expensive.  I may as well, as one specialist so kindly pointed out once, just flush a few twenty-pound notes down the lav every day.  And myself, while i’m at it.  (I added that last bit – no need to call the tabloids, eh?)

On a related note, my temp. job is nearly up, so at the end of the month i’ll be skint AND out of work.  I’m a bit scared.  I’ve applied for loads and loads of jobs, none of which have been out the range of possibility, since going part-time with my studies.  I quit my last job so i could go back to university towards the end of 2009, thinking with my work experience and Awesum Sk!llz i’d find another soon or at least eventually; but each attempt is met with the don’t-bang-the-door-on-your-way-out faces of bored interviewers who don’t really want to be there listening to my crap.

Only the other day i had a thoroughly dire interview, for a job i could do with my head in the bin, but through which i mumbled and wittered till the cows actually turned up and knocked on my front door.  God only knows how they managed to navigate the underground.  Hats off to ’em.

Except i’ve lost my hat, haven’t i?  Along with my phone and my e-mail address.  I think the universe is conspiring against me.  Either that or i’m a ridiculous mess who needs to sort her life out.  Nah, i think the former’s more likely, don’t you?  It must be my face.

And no, i didn’t get the job, by the way.

Published in: on 16/04/2011 at 9:07 pm  Leave a Comment  

Changes

Some time between the start of filming the programme and the end, i realised my eating ‘behaviour’ had changed.

I always used to feel like i lost control whilst eating what was supposed to be a small or sensible amount (planned snack or meal), like gradually realising the brakes on your bike aren’t working well enough and you’re careering down a hill and, in my case, charging off headlong into a binge-hedge… leading, invariably, to half an hour examining the inside of the toilet bowl.  Or… it’s like when you’re falling and you still think you can regain your balance, but there comes a point where you know that, no, that’s it – you’re going to fall.  And you do.  That’s the feeling i have; that’s when the actual bingeing, as opposed to just eating too much, begins.  And it’s when i know i’m going to throw up afterwards.

Or, at times, it’d feel like the Bulimia Monster would swoop down on its scabbéd wings when i wasn’t expecting it (which is daft, really – after 15 or 20 years of disordered eating / eating disorder, i should certainly have learnt to expect it constantly.  I suppose that unrealistic sense of optimism may have kept me ill, as well as kept me getting up in the morning and trying again) and take over my actions.  Either way, it never felt like i was the one in control, ridiculous though that sounds.

However, more recently i have actually felt i like i have chosen to do ‘it’ – to binge and purge.  I don’t know why i do choose it though.  It’s a false choice, y’know?  As if there isn’t really another option.  I’m not sure i could actually choose to not do it.  I don’t know how.  I do try – at least, i think i do, but maybe i don’t anymore.  Maybe i’m worn out from all the fighting and i don’t fight anymore.  Is that it?  And yet i still feel like i choose to do it.

Why the hell would i choose to do something like that?  Something i hate, something that wastes my time and money, that ruins my life and that of my loved ones?  Good question.  One i ask of myself all the bloody time.  So how can it be a real choice?

But i’ll say it again: it now feels like i choose to do it, not that it happens ‘by accident’.  I’ll go and buy the stuff, check the time i start bingeing – and it’ll be bingeing right from the start – and after a designated amount of time i’ll calmly go into the bathroom to do the usual.  It’s not right.  I mean, i’m not actually calm while this is happening – not inside, although i can appear so to everyone else.  Even as i do it i think, i hate this, i’ll never do it again.  But it’s not over yet.

My question – to myself, more than anyone – is this: how do i choose to not do it?

Published in: on 07/04/2011 at 11:31 am  Leave a Comment  

Awooga! Awooga!

Blimey.  So the programme’s actually on the telly.  I suppose i never quite believed it would get to this point because, really, how bonkers is it that i’m on the telly?  When i don’t even own one or watch the bloody thing?

Of course, this is why god invented 4od – i have been watching the series, of course, on the web site.  Two episodes so far, both of which provoked a flurry of discussions.  Got questions, comments?  Ask, my pretties, ask away.

Since it started, i’ve been back to see Dr. Helena Fox, the consultant involved, who’s going to write a letter and make recommendations for referral and all that sort of thing, now that i have a new GP.

I’ve got to do my placement and dissertation this summer, so the healthier i am the better.  I don’t want to defer again, not least because now you have to pay through the nose to get to university.  As opposed to just through the arse, which i’ve already done but, well, bulimia’s effing expensive so there’s no way i can afford to pay any more.

More to me than bulimia

So i started up this blog partly to show that there’s more to me than bingeing and puking.  I am a normal person – er, other than that bit.  Now that i’m here, however, i’ve no idea what to say.  Stop staring at me like that!

Oh, hold on, there is one obvious thing: i’m in a band.  We’re called Candy Panic Attack.  We’re crap but hey, it’s all part of our shoddy appeal.  Maybe i can give you a link to one of our songs, just to start, then go on to say other (i hope interesting) stuff in future posts.  What do you reckon?  Ah go on then.  No idea whether they’ll show the bit they filmed or not, but here’s a little bit of us on Youtube:

Published in: on 06/04/2011 at 6:05 pm  Leave a Comment