Tidy workplace, bombsite at home: i’m a mess

Aarghs!  Still haven’t finished my assignment.  Got another to get on with as soon as possible.  And i didn’t make it to the Zine Symposium – one of my favourite events in the whole world.  I miss out on so much because… well, i’m a stupid waster: my life’s a mess.

That’s how i feel anyway.  Although i must admit, it’s odd.  I’m always telling myself i’m worthless and no good, even though at the same time i know i don’t really think that way.

Anyway, today’s burning topic is: disorder.  No, not affray, but physical and mental chaos – in relation to each other.  A bit.

It’s surely very telling, something any half-decent psychologist would jump on as blindingly obvious, that while my work, my handwriting and all the outward, professional aspects of me are incredibly clear, small, neat and meticulous… somehow my bedroom, my hair, my clothes and my personal diary are a complete shit tip.

Even someone as (relatively) unscientific and (thoroughly) bonkers as i can tell that the latter is a reflection of my state of mind; of my life in fact.  I am a mess.  I’m under no illusions as to how much of a mess i am.  I’m a disgrace.  Bulimia alone shouts this fact from its lofty throne (‘scuse pun) even if you haven’t seen the chaos within which i exist.

They – by which i mean eating disorder specialists; i’m not going to spout some kind of “them and us” conspiracy theory – reckon a characteristic of eating disorder sufferers is perfectionism.  Let me assure you, this does not apply to me.  I’m a shoddy, slap-dash kind of a gal.  Just look at my hair, my clothes, the way i ‘play’ guitar in my shouty punk band.  I’d LIKE to be more organised, more dedicated, turn out a better standard of… well, everything; but as i’ve already explained, the eating disorder has always got in the way.

Bulimia consumes time as it consumes confectionery and earnings.  It chews up self-esteem and munches away at any hope of a brighter future.  It gulps down opportunity and pukes up any hope i’ve ever had of being any good at anything.  It devours me and so many others like me.

Even whilst anorexic, time was there to be endured, seen off, while i waited for my life to “begin”.  I’ve never wanted to wish my life away, yet i waste my time and my life in the midst of a filthy illness that makes no sense.  I don’t have the answers.  If i did, i wouldn’t be in this mess.

Published in: on 24/04/2011 at 4:31 pm  Comments (4)  

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4 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. “Bulimia consumes time as it consumes confectionery and earnings. It chews up self-esteem and munches away at any hope of a brighter future. It gulps down opportunity and pukes up any hope i’ve ever had of being any good at anything. It devours me and so many others like me.”

    I understand entirely too well. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

    • Oh! Thank you for your comment. I’m curious – how did you find my blog? I’ve been finding yours very interesting too – especially when you say you sometimes feel like you’re the only person on the internet with an eating disorder who doesn’t think this is somehow a good thing. I’ve always been very pro-recovery and have never been part of pro-E.D communities: i find that sort of thing incomprehensible. I hope i make it clear, over the course of this blog, just how shit the realities of living with an eating disorder really are.

  2. I use the “tag surfer” on WordPress, set to put anything tagged with “anorexia”, “bulimia”, or “eating disorders” into my queue.

    That’s the intent of my blog as well. I’m not ready for recovery, but if I can at least convey reality, i’m doing SOMETHING.

    • That’s an interesting point: what constitutes “ready” for recovery? Because i’ve lived with it so long, i’m so resigned and so used to it, that the rest of my life us just built around it. Yet i hate it and want to be free of it; but will i ever recover, while i continue to live WITH it… rather than fight against it?

      I have no idea what a tag surfer is! Is it a bit like an RSS feed? I only learnt what that was a couple of weeks ago. Bad librarian!

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