On doing badly again the moment i say i’m doing well

It seems that every time i think or say that i’m doing “well” i end up Going Wrong again.  Since my last blog post i’ve been pretty crap to be honest and it’s steadily getting worse.  I’m still so much better now than i was even a year or a few months ago, because good grief i was ill then and no-one would think of shoving me in hospital now; but nonetheless, i can’t help but feel like i’m slipping along the Normality Scale i mentioned in my last post and off the end again.

So why does that happen?  I’m sure i’m not the only one who apparently self-sabotages when things are going a bit better.  None of us actually likes feeling like shit and making ourselves feel a bit worse every day, right?  None of us intentionally slip up, get it all wrong, promise to treat ourselves better, then fall flat yet again only hours (or minutes) later, despite resolutions to stay away from the things that harm us.  I know of course that some people eat the sweets or drink the wine because THEY ARE SO GOOD, they just can’t resist one or two extra.  One or two!  I can’t speak for anyone else of course, but it’s never just one or two with me and i don’t even enjoy the things that fuck me up, so for crapsakes why do them?  As the stuck record in my head cries: how hard can it be?!

Today i feel like i’ve had a kicking all around the midriff, i look pregnant and am possibly in danger of shitting myself, because of all the sugary crap i’ve been shovelling in there via my face for the last few weeks and especially intensively over the last few days.  The thought of spending a couple of months off, from eating and moving anywhere, from life in general in fact, just staying in bed with a mountain of books and the odd cup of tea, is very appealing.  But as you know, that’s not among the choices we get, so we all just carry on.  It’s what we do.  I love my job and i don’t want to be off sick (besides, i don’t get paid for not being there) – ugh, so why do i make myself so ill? – so i go regardless; and also i just generally have stuff to do, so like everyone else, i ignore the discomfort/pain/dodgy guts and get on with things.

This is what’s different now and why i say I’m, relatively speaking, “better” and “normal”, despite being neither fully better nor normal in real terms of my behaviour much of the time.  I am still a binge-eating, highly-strung, constantly-anxious, socially-inept, moderately irritating, absent-minded, out-of-control drunk; but now you probably wouldn’t notice most of those things, because i have a job and i turn up to it, i have things to do and manage to do at least some of them, i can read a book on the train and take in what i’m reading, i see friends/acquaintances who are used to me and my, er, ways and, overall, i don’t come across or look, well y’know, weird.

But i haven’t answered my own question yet, have i?  Why do i always go Extra Wrong just when i think i’m doing all right?  Why do i make myself ill with things that aren’t even worth it?  Oh i don’t know.  If i did, i wouldn’t be writing this, would i?  And besides, don’t you do that too, at least to an extent – doesn’t everyone?  Would the diet industry exist, wouldn’t all counsellors be out of a job, if we had all the answers and all the self-control?  Seriously, can anyone truthfully claim to always do everything on their to-do list to an extremely high standard, every single day, to say all the right things in the right situations, to exercise sensibly and eat a perfectly healthy balanced diet, all or even most of the time?  Sure there are some people like that, but come on, those that aren’t lying out of insecurity (bless ’em) are just WEIRD.

I, however, am merely human: perhaps not as comfortably “normal” as most “normal” people; but with all my bad decisions, regrets, multiple bags of sherbet limes and microwaved tinned soup, i am inconsistent, irritable, misguided, ordinary, glorious.

Published in: on 11/03/2015 at 3:47 pm  Comments (1)