The contradictions of self-hatred

Because of (or perhaps despite) years and years of therapy, i am (a) incredibly self-aware and conscious of everything that goes on in my mind and why; and (b) still bulimic.

But anyway.  Something i’ve noticed – a long time ago, but only recently put it into words – is that when those familiar thoughts, along the lines of, “i’m such a stupid worthless old crapbag”, pop into my mind… it’s because i’m remembering past wrongs.  Stupid things i’ve said and done, ridiculous ways in which i used to behave, teenage arrogance, pathetic childish moments from when i was… a child.

And even as i think “i hate myself” i think, no i don’t.  I’m all right.  No better or worse than anyone else.  (I’m an anarchist, so of course everyone’s equal, in my eyes – but let’s not go into that here.)  Of course, there’s plenty wrong with me.  I’m bulimic, for a start; i’m boringly self-absorbed alongside.

Despite the fact that i did such-and-such a stupid thing ten, twenty or more years ago, despite the fact that i remind myself no-one but me even remembers, let alone cares… yet still these intrusive thoughts dwell on my mind and kick up the dust of self-disgust into my eyes.  How can i just put the past where it belongs and forget about it?

I’m sure everyone gets intrusive thoughts.  In fact, everyone gets moments of self-hatred and quite probably often eats a bit too much chocolate when they do, from time to time.  It’s just that when you find this happens all day every day, you know you’ve got a problem.

But although it seems that most people with an eating disorder have certain triggers which will set them off, actually when i  binge-eat, it’s not as a result of negative thoughts, feelings or situations.  I just… do it anyway.  Without any apparent reason, or ‘trigger’, i stuff my face with everything i can carry from the local shops and may as well be flushing a handful of notes down the toilet every day, because that’s where my money ends up.

My challenge, i realise, is still to find out why; or more importantly, how to break what really seems to me to have become some kind of inexplicable habit… and choose not to do it.  Why would anyone choose to do this to themselves?  Self-hatred?  I mean, is that really the answer?  And what’s the answer to the more important question: how do i get better?

What’s more baffling is, why don’t i get better?  Why cling to a so-called coping mechanism that does nothing to make me feel better?  Of course, when i say “feel better”, i’m talking twisted logic.  But when people have a destructive habit or addiction, in a funny way, it tends to make sense.  “Smoking calms me down” or “I drink to forget”.

But me, well, i hate everything about bulimia.  It does nothing for me.  I hate how wasteful it is – of time, money, health, water, food and packaging.  There are people starving because of the shit distribution of wealth and resources while the planet can’t sustain how much we produce and waste.  I hate how pointless and futile bulimia is… how ineffective and useless i am.  And all it does is make me tired and hopeless.  So really, why do i do… what i do?

As ever i have more questions than answers.  And isn’t that what life’s all about?

But on the plus-side, my periods seem to have come back properly.  After nearly ten years, i’ve now had two in a row, only five weeks apart!  AND i’ve been getting tampons in, for the first time in my life.  Plus i have a massive zit on my chin.  Woop woop, third (or is it fourth?) puberty!  Bye bye anorexia!  Now, if i can just show bulimia the door…

Published in: on 03/05/2011 at 7:16 pm  Comments (4)